There's nothing like typing a big 'ol paper and suddenly losing two whole pages because you didn't command+S for over 20 minutes. It feels like the whole world is crushing your patience, your sanity, your life. It's so dramatic, you can't even handle how dramatic it is. Good thing it only lasts for a little while, after you've plopped your face into your pillow, screamed into it, cried there, let it dry, then screamed into it again. It's almost like an out of body experience, one that also crushes you with embarrassment another 20 minutes later. The only song that goes through your head is REM's "It's the End of the World As We Know It." So, you resort to writing about it on your blog so the rest of the world, if they choose so to do, can pity you and understand what you're going through. It's pathetic really. Meanwhile, your paper still doesn't get written, as you're still writing on your blog. But somewhere in there, you begin to wonder why it's so terrible that you lost just two pages of words. They're just words, for goodness' sake! Now, you have a beautiful blank slate to discover something new about yourself and others through writing. It's a really good exercise in re-articulating the present moment and beginning to treasure it. You didn't lose your loved ones, your friends, your home to a hurricane. You didn't lose your mind with the exception of a few minutes. You didn't lose your ability to think, to walk, to love. You didn't lose your faith, even though it felt like you did for a split second there. You didn't lose your life after this.
It also makes you (now me) question why I freaked out in the first place. This relates to this cool cat, whom I have admired since by best friend and I accidentally stumbled across his "Acne Song." You can watch it here. Then you, Charlie and I...let's face those blank pages together, remembering where the clean slate came from.
"I just have to hope, I guess, that I have the capacity within myself to be that person I want to be. Because, right now I just don't know and I am unsure. And, that scares me, a lot. If you have been, thank you for sticking with me over the course of this last year. I really appreciate it more than anything else, truly."
For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith--and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God. - Ephesians 2:8
Command+S, over and out.