Thursday, October 11, 2012

I want a sandwich.

Lately (but not so lately), after a month's hiatus from writing here, I begin by writing something like, "It's been so long since I've written, but here's what's going on." Or "I haven't written anything but school crap and it sucks, but here's what's going on" or "I think that writing on here is conceited which is why I haven't written for so long. But here's what's going on." Excuses, really. I need to work on introductions.

Today was like a dream. (I also need to work on transitions.) Confidence, reflection, brilliance, stupidity, floating, i.e. walking through familiar places but realizing you're a completely different person than the first time you walked through this place. It slams your brain down, choke holds it for a sec, when you realize you've been in a new place long enough for it not to be new anymore. Blows. your. mind. A few pieces of thought sandwich from a few days ago that led to this encounter.

1) journal excerpt, September 24
Often times a certain peace comes along, in the midst of sirens, traffic, uncertainty, uncontrollable longing for things and people missed or not yet grasped, ultra shyness, anonymity, floating, indecision, confusion, self-consciousness, reading, writing, headaches, diversity, homelessness, homesickness, discernment, sexuality, nightmares about loss, real loss, mistakes, regrets, everyday errors, cell phone usage, too much facebook, missing out, worry, the opposite of motivation, disengagement, irritability, judgment, tough love, growth, growing pains, body image, distrust, fear of closeness, fear of dates, fear. But, it's of God - the peace. God's peace. The knowing, faith, being still. That tomorrow is a gift. A day I've never, ever experienced before. What wondrous love. And all the days after. Reminds me of the Levi's commercial. But imagine them wearing love, that's right!

2) an essay about coming of age via beer, October 8
How can beer be ugly when it brings so many beautiful people and things together? My parents and their friends, my high schoolmates, that first kiss guy, that second kiss guy, my college friends, my current friends, my friendship with beer itself. This logic also applies to love for home, even when it smells like cheap beer, i.e. cow piss. The truth is, everything happened in Nebraska, not just the torture of cheerleading, or high school football, parties at the cabin, defeating shyness like an alcoholic superhero, stepping in shit while drinking beer in that pasture where we had a bonfire, finding the errors about beauty, the revisionary momentary slaps and slams toward true beauty.

3) a list of details I wish I could tell you, Today
All this new clarity opens the choke hold, and you start realizing details you want to share with anyone who will listen, or read, just to be reminded it's not a dream. Did you know: that my wardrobe color scheme has shifted from tans, grays, and black to browns, greens, blues, and black; that I wear my hair up more often to show off my face like my Mom told me to do, that I'm finally proud of my ears that stick out a bit and my nose that's crooked; that I wish I could sit on the sidewalk by that man outside the Sheridan el station on Wednesdays - he has no legs, sitting in a wheelchair, watching people go by. I'd like to people watch and have conversations with him without looking like a loon for sitting on the sidewalk; that every time I walk to church, the "don't walk" symbol is already turned or quickly turns to the "walk" symbol because I need to walk ahead, walk in His footsteps, walking through the night, walking toward the light; that my favorite color at the moment is the coral orange of certain fall leaves; that I really enjoy the cold because I'd rather keep reaching for warmth than be a total hottie all the time; that I don't mind the hipsters, because I don't really mind things that are too hip, that other people call sellouts or posers. I think calling someone a poser is poser behavior, and that me calling someone who calls someone a poser a poser is poser behavior, too; that I live vicariously through a number of TV shows that involve groups of five or more friends because I miss my college and camp groups of friends so much. I loathe couple shows because I can't relate to them, which is just fine; that I think people are more beautiful than most works of really great art; that it's okay to be an introvert, even if you secretly wish you could share all of the above or other details with a special person that would make couple sitcoms look like a stupid rat going up against a Momma beluga whale protecting her baby beluga from said rat (this needs more context, but it sorta works); that art, writing, music, great film and theatre can save you the agony of interacting with certain people, but also that escapism can be itself an interaction with people. All immersion in humanity; that I like the musicians I like because of what they stand for behind their music; that I haven't written a blog post for over a month because I think it makes me a narcissist, like everyone else with a virtual identity. I think truth can surpass the virtual, though; that I wish I took myself a little less seriously.

I'm gonna go make a sandwich now.