Peanut Butter

You know when you're sick, and your nose is full of mucus? You can't breathe while you're sleeping. It's not peaceful anymore. You can't taste your favorite foods, like peanut butter. The wise Charlie Brown once said, "Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love." Maybe I don't know what peanut butter tastes like. Maybe I never will. Maybe Nutella is a better choice. Sorry Reeses, Nutty Bars, Peanut Butter Star Ice Cream, PB&J. You're just not for me. Hold the PB.

If you love a soul more then fame and gold. And that soul feels the same about you. Its a natural fact, there is no turning back.

It's easy being independent. Until you find something or someone to depend on...or something or someone you want to depend on. They all say, you shouldn't have to do anything to win love. You shouldn't. It's easy when you've had way too much peanut butter. Now you have a stomach ache. But, soon, you miss it when it's not around. You keep coming back for more. You don't have to do anything to win that peanut butter over. It just sits there in front of you. Jar after jar. Unless you have nut allergies. Don't do it.

Baby, I’ve got silver and I’ve got gold. But when push comes to shove, this is getting old.

I wish peanut butter would love me back. I wish I knew it.

A wise professor of mine once said,
"We won't understand all of it now because we are incapable. The process is what keeps me going. The discovery of things. The wrestling that takes place to try and better understand why it's important and why or how it fits into my life. The older and more 'knowledgeable' I get, the more I realize I don't know. Maybe that's wisdom?"

Or rather, in this special case...

We won't understand our love for peanut butter now because we are incapable. The process is what keeps me going. The discovery of peanut butter. The wrestling that takes place with the peanut butter to try and better understand why the peanut butter is important and why or how the peanut butter fits into my life. The older and more knowledgeable I get, the more I realize I don't know about peanut butter. Maybe that's wisdom?

An act of love that fails is just as much a part of the divine life as an act of love that succeeds, for love is measured by fullness, not by reception.

My song is love unknown,
My Savior's love to me;
Love to the loveless shown,
That they might lovely be.

Wondering

At times, you wonder... And then you know... It's a good feeling to know... At other times, you have to keep wondering. But doesn't wonder make life exciting and mysterious? And when you know everything, what is there to know? Closure doesn't always reveal itself. In time. You can even drive 1000 miles to find that closure and never get it. Remember Vanessa Carlton and her song, 1000 miles? Theme of the holiday weekend.

If I could fall into the sky, do you think time would pass me by? 'cuz you know I'd walk a thousand miles if I can just see you tonight.

Or Sara Bareilles' simplicity in "Many the Miles"

How far do I have to go to get to you? Many the miles, many the miles.

They're talking about 1000 miles to get to someone you love. You don't have to be reimbursed for gas when you're seeing someone you love. But you still want your curiosity and feelings to be reimbursed, or rather, truthful, reciprocated or not. In the end, you find that the miles were worth the journey, to and from...and during your visiting time. Worth every penny for gas.

I'd walk a thousand miles to see my best friend. The effort and reception is enough closure for a love between friends, miles apart.

Patience. Prayer. Peace. Rest.

Away from camp, you go to restaurants, you have all these choices that you don't know what to do with...things that aren't necessities, just luxuries. And they've been there the whole time, taunting natural things. You get angry at them. You wish them away. You get mad at the world, full of luxury, somewhat spoiled; sometimes with no eyes for nature's subtle, beautiful peace and balance. You get mad at people with all these choices, and it takes most of the strength in you (One, because you're exhausted from a full week of camp. Two, because you're going through fresh air withdrawal and the lady in the booth across from you has a strong, rancid girly-perfume that is suffocating your senses just at little bit.) to not stand up and yell at them (when they can't decide what to order) saying "Do you know how lucky you are to even have choices, to touch food in front of you, with the perfect mood lighting at the Italian Grill that makes you feel calm, special, important, in the moment? Light that some only see from the sun and the moon, the occasional thunderstorm? Did ya ever think that they might be the lucky ones?"

I find that I'm down and out on Fridays when our camp staff meeting comes around, because I miss the campers. They bring out selfless acts in people. Teach us kindness, patience, love, prayer. It was a frustrating week for some. And others are sick, run-down, stressed out. Having to care for, or living to care for someone else is a hefty selfless act. I sometimes get frustrated when we're skipping up and down after campers leave, ready to grab a soda, put on some makeup, spend money, have choices, be picky. And I'm a hypocrite. But loving others is giving light to the world...where mood lighting and whiffs of perfume are distracting. This is what we remember when we walk into another week, another Sunday, another set of campers, awkward, apprehensive, and homesick before a small or large transformation when Friday comes around. Another group of God's children, all of us.

People were bringing little children to Jesus for him to place his hands on them, but the disciples rebuked them. When Jesus saw this, he was indignant. He said to them, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. Truly I tell you, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it." And he took the children in his arms, placed his hands on them and blessed them.

- Mark 10:13-16

Thankful for the rest He gives us and the peace He brings.

definitions/transitions

I should tell you about the heavy-duty makeover of my blog. The previous name of this collection of posts was "The 3 a.m. drawing club." I need a change. A makeover has been long overdue, and I feel like it goes well with the new transitions I'm making. I'm beginning the process of defining a lot of new things in my adult life. And I just can't stay up until 3 a.m. anymore. Plus, the redesign is sleeker. I like sleek. Don't ya think it's sleek? It's funny when a blog transitions from a personal reflection tool to an interpersonal communication tool. And, now that I changed it earlier today, I was sitting and thinking, my goodness, I left them all hanging, confused. They deserve an explanation.

I'm trying to be a little more open.

So, without further adieu (drumroll please, ribbon placed ready to be cut, hands tingling in anticipation for applause) I present to you, Definitions. The new adventures and defining moments of my life after, um, college. Scary.

I was thinking about this one time, in a poetry class, Michael Wade Carlson said, "We're just a sesame seed on the burger." A wise man. For those of you who know him...yes, you know. I hope those of you who don't will get a chance to meet him someday. The sesame seed: you might know the mustard seed parable. I know, I know. Sesame seeds are not mustard seeds, but sesame seeds remind me of mustard seeds. And, the burger metaphor is great. You are open to explore it. And, isn't this burger shoe awesome?

"It is like a mustard seed, which is the smallest seed you plant in the ground. Yet, when planted, it grows and becomes the largest of all garden plants, with such big branches that the birds of the air can perch in its shade."

Mark 4:31-32

This post is dedicated to Michael Wade Carlson, who will probably never read it.

Try it...hyphenated

It's been so long since I've written to people other than myself, for my own personal satisfaction, which takes place in my glossy-cardboard-foldover-magnetic journal. It's my companion wherever I go, making everywhere home because so many memories of friends and family are forever preserved in ink on those pages. And, it smells like home. You know when your clothes begin to smell like the places you've been?...One time, one of my t-shirts smelled like Barcelona for weeks, even after I washed it. It probably didn't really smell like Barcelona, but the feel and sight of it brought back all those smells. And, right now, even while I'm at grungy-sweaty-dirty-wet-but-fun camp, my clothes still smell like Tide Sport laundry detergent with bleach. You should try it. It's magical. It reminds me of my little brother. He's really into sports, and it's such a transformation when his clothes come out of the dryer smelling like Tide instead of 17-year-old sporty man sweat. My journal isn't like that. Somehow, it traps the smell of home inside. Maybe it's because of all the smells associated with the memories. Or maybe my own private pen and paper have always been home to me.

A journal is nice. You should try it. For those of you who know Amy (Byer) Riley. Mmhm. She's the one that suggested I begin journaling everyday. That was three years ago. I dedicate this post to her. She and her husband Ben are moving back to the states! Ben is going to the seminary, and I'm so excited to see them both. They've been in Taiwan for approximately...three years.

Right now, I'm sitting in the Camp Carol Joy Holling marketing/communications office...area. It's not really an office. It's more like an opening in a big wall, where mysterious things happen. :) It's my kind of workplace, I think. The chair I'm sitting in is a cross between a Victorian-style pin-cushion sofa chair (if you know what I mean), a 70s kitchen table chair, and a 1995 cushioned office chair. I think we'll be good friends. This summer, I'll be taking photos and video footage of staff and campers and emailing parents about the fun their kids are having. If you ask me, the parents don't need to know all the details until the kids get home to tell all about their adventures. And, whatever happened to disposable cameras - the story of camp in images? I guess I'm just getting old. I really am...I hurt my back carrying all my rubbermaids from my car. But, this summer, I get to enhance my cinematography and composition skills, not to mention my protecting-expensive-equipment-when-it's-too-hot-or-wet-outside skills. That's something everyone should learn. You should try it.

I've met some new people...the kind you have a sort of instant comeraderie with, which doesn't happen all the time. I met a girl with long, red, wavy hair and a face full of bright brown freckles. Her voice sounds like a man's...but in a good way. It's quite a contrast from my soft and light yeah, sure make-fun-of-me-now-because-of-my-shyness voice. We instantly understood one another's humor. We even began joking about how different our voices are. I met a guy and our first conversation involved the characters of Lost and the prologue of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. He also wore a Bolo tie yesterday. He's a cool kid. With black rimmed glasses, a zoo hat, and a shirt that says something about frying eggs.
Check it out: http://www.refinery29.com/we-predict-bolo-ties-will-be-t
I'm hoping we'll be great friends, too. I mean, come on. Not everyone can pull off the bolo tie-obsessed-with-Lost-frying-eggs-t-shirt persona. I should try it, except for maybe the bolo. Meeting new friends is a blessing. You should try it.

Here's to Amy. And here's to you. I hope you (whatever you're doing, wherever you are) are able to make your summer, well...summery bright and full of color and memories...or colorful memories. Maybe get a disposable camera to document the bright-journaly-smelly-new-friend-meeting kind of season.
You should try it!

Singing to you

There are photos that take the breath right out of you for a moment -- and every moment you look at it again thereafter -- either because you see someone you know in this person inside yourself -- or you're in love: with them, what they do, or the music they make. Because the composition of their bodies and their surroundings is so beautiful, loud, and clear in your head, it sings to you.

Those are the good ones.

They don't have to be great photographs by the art world's standards but by the vision of God's beauty behind your own eyes. The ones that make you remember you have to breathe in His air again to keep living for these things you love.

--photos by Kevin Westenberg

"Born Free"

Today, I fear for life. Not because I saw someone killed...or because I knew someone that was injured in the Omaha Millard South shootings, but because one person in the world is probably dying every second, many unjustified and undeserved.

It began when I was browsing Youtube for old Backstreet Boys videos (to recall my 13-year-old self and Oprah, bless her heart, invited them onto her show today). I came to a like for VEVO's "Best of 2010" video playlist. Most of them were the infamous Lady Gaga and Katy Perry, Justin Bieber, Willow Smith. After watching Usher's "OMG," wishing I had my 3D glasses handy, I came to M.I.A.'s "Born Free" video. Here's what went down:

The film depicts a U.S. military SWAT team, driving up to a building and staging a raid, during which they ignore a man sitting in a room smoking crack, beat a couple engaged in coitus, and then force a young man with red hair violently into a detainee transport vehicle, along with other red-haired men previously captured. The detainees are then driven out to the desert, treated brutally, and forced to run across a live minefield. During the course of events, a young boy is shot through the head, and another is blown to pieces after stepping on a live mine. Soldiers continue to chase, beat, and shoot the others.

The film for "Born Free" has been widely described as political allegory, drawing parallels to many indigenous resistance movements around the world. During the video, a mural is seen depicting armed red-headed men and the slogan, "Our day will come," the historical motto of the Irish Republican Army. Also depicted are keffiya-wearing red-headed young people who throw rocks and glass bottles at the armored vehicles transporting the detainees, in an apparent reference to the iconic images of the Second Palestinian "Intifada." The 12-year-old red-haired actor, Ian Hamrick, whose character is shot in the head, described the video as "showing violence to end violence."

Here's a link to the video - for mature audiences.
http://www.vevo.com/watch/mia/born-free/GB1411000058

And here's what people had to say:

The Huffington Post stated "Whether it's a comment on the absurdity of genocide (of which M.I.A. saw plenty during her early childhood in Sri Lanka) or a challenge to the idea of "other" in Arizona's immigration law, it is startling even in the context of recent genre-bending music art-films." --- Zach Baron, writing in Village Voice added "NSFW isn't exactly the word. More like art film? We can think of no goofier political allegory than the persecution, abuse, and murder of redheads, but then again, M.I.A.'s politics have never been of the kind you read about in the New York Times." --- James Montgomery of MTV described it as "unflinchingly, unapologetically real" depicting "the kind of things that most nations - including the U.S., which is portrayed as the aggressor in the clip - often pretend don't happen: the rounding up of ethnic minorities, the trampling of personal liberties, the bullying of the powerless by those with authority." Real life parallels were drawn with the "ongoing issue of immigration in states like Arizona, the treatment of prisoners by U.S. troops at the Abu Ghraib prison in Baghdad, and, more universally, the brutal tactics used against minorities by government forces all over the world." --- Salon described "Born Free" as "the most violent music video in ages -- and a nine-minute masterpiece" adding that "M.I.A. has built a career on making music that's as outspoken as it is danceable" and described the video as "undeniably powerful, a lurid parable on the systematic ethnic cleansing that goes on all over the world." Eric Henderson in Slant

stated, "what stuck with me is the furious dignity it accords the main tracksuit-wearing prisoner, and the amount of anger it allows him to deliver...I recognized within him and the band of rock-throwing dissidents that pelt the armored bus a sense of kinship relevant to anyone who occupies a minority class." While he felt that "the clip is but a metaphor, and not entirely successfully so, when the pitbull-faced, tenement-snatched redhead boy is slammed against the iron fence and still dares to glare into the eyes of his attackers, I want to be right there by his side fucking their shit up."

The film was described as "controversial" after its removal from U.S. Youtube soon after its posting due to its graphically violent content. It was made available again with an over-18 viewing disclaimer. On April 27, the BBC reported that the video was being removed in some instances by Youtube, and labelled with an age-restriction in others. Neither M.I.A. or her record label, XL Recordings, commented on the development, but M.I.A. tweeted it was not her label responsible. In subsequent interviews, M.I.A. stated she found the reaction ridiculous, citing Youtube's streaming of real-life killings. She stated in an interview with Miranda Sawyer of the The Observer.

It's just fake blood and ketchup and people are more offended by that than the execution videos.

Referring to the clips of Sri Lankan troops shooting unarmed, blindfolded, naked men in the head that she tweeted beforehand, later telling French music magazine Mondomix:

It's amazing to me that is the state we're in today - people are more moved by something synthetic than something real. And as an artist that's the decision you have to make -whether to be real or synthetic.

A week after its release on Vimeo on April 26, the video was viewed 1.8 million times on the site. From April 27 to May 2, M.I.A. remained the most blogged about artist on the Internet, according to MP3 blog aggregator The Hype Machine. The video was then re-posted on Youtube by VEVO, without users having to sign in to prove they were 18 or older. The raw video is also on M.I.A.'s website. To date, the video has been viewed 30 million times on the Internet.

It's frightening to me that children can come across similar links and videos, view them unaware, and dream about the terror that is the world today. As an adult, the "real or synthetic" philosophy has me thinking, though still questioning: almost everything in the visual and audio media is media-fied, watered down, or hyped up to evoke emotion. It's true that this video brought tears, and I have never seen live execution videos. I'm certainly not saying they aren't real and that this particular video is invaluable in its teaching or awareness. I'm aware that genocide and murder are underway during all parts of the day - evil is certainly at work. It's important to be aware. I commend M.I.A. for bringing up the issue again, but I stand against her (or whoever made the decision) in making it available to anyone on the web, including young and tender hearts and minds.

As I sit in peace at home, in safety, with some faith in justice in America, I'm afraid that there is nothing I can do or ever do. The guilt of wanting to show compassion, though never received. Sometimes, all we can do is pray - for those in persecution, in the midst of unjust murder, and for those in fearful exposure to death by evil in the world.